Losing and Not Losing Yourself in Relationships

I found this great article where a woman shares her experience about "losing" herself in relationships. It made me think.

We all want to "lose" ourself in that metaphorical way in the euphoric feeling of love. We love swooning over a new relationship. However, one thing we must guard against is losing who we are in that relationship. I don't know what it's like for men, but I assume they too can have this problem.

As a woman I definitely have struggled with this in the past. I have changed or stifled parts of myself in relationships, not just with men, but with friends as well. I never did it intentionally it just happened when I wanted acceptance and certain parts of me weren't accepted.

That's a horrible way to conduct relationships and I'm glad I eventually realized it. 

However, even if you are not prone to unhealthily changing yourself in a relationship, there is still a certain challenge in balancing one's independence and dependence in a relationship. Even now that I am in a healthy and wonderful relationship, I still have to work to avoid "losing myself" in all our coupleness. 

So how do you maintain this balance of  independence and dependence and create a healthy interdepence without losing yourself ?

I found several articles on this subject and compiled a list of the top 10 pearls of wisdom I learned from the writers and my own life.

How to Avoid Losing Yourself in a Relationship

1. Prioritize your friends and Family. 

Do not let other relationships fall to the way side when you start a new relationship. As you get to know their friends and family and incorporate them into your life don't let go of your friends or family. They were there first. One is silver and the other gold. 

2. Don't stay in your comfort zone. 

The relationship can become a sort of comfort zone where you feel secure, loved and happy. That's great, but growth doesn't occur in a comfort zone. Venture out of that by trying new things both together and separately. 

Sometimes a comfort zone is built up because of fear. You are afraid to be alone or rejected so you cling to the relationship. That's bad too. Be brave enough to spend some time in solitude to think out what your insecurities are and where they stem from. Journal, read a self-help book, pray or talk to a close friend or counselor until you are aware of what those fears are and why. Don't just cling to the comfort zone of a relationship because of fear. That leads to being stuck in the wrong relationship or stifling an otherwise good relationship.

3. Maintain your self-image through your own eyes. 

It's natural when we want someone to like us to start to think about what they like. We dress up to impress them or try to find common interests to relate to them. 

However, we can't let their opinion of us become the one that matters most. If your boyfriend loves you in the color orange but you don't like it that much then don't wear it just because he complimented you last time. If you love a certain pair of shoes, but he hates them (ok crocs are the best shoes!) then wear them anyway! 

You are only cheapening your self image if you cater to another persons opinion of you. There is a time and a place to wear his favorite color or try to look pretty for him, but sometimes we go overboard. 

This does not just apply with looks but who you are too. Whatever skills, talents or characteristics you have and are proud of, don't change your opinion of them because of your significant other. Even if you share the same opinion let it be your own beliefs about yourself that rings true. You knew you were smart, funny or whatever before they told you so and if they ever change their mind, yours can still stay the same. 

Bottom line don't let their opinion become your style guide, your motivation, your North Star or your scripture. It's just one person's opinion, not god. 

4. Don't give up what's important to you.

If you loved going to the gym, reading , riding horses or singing before you started this new relationship, then keep it going during and after. Whatever is important to you before the excitement of a relationship, needs to be maintained. It may be hard because all you care about is spending time with the new love, but it's important not to neglect yourself. It will affect the relationship and cause you to lose yourself. I might say, "choose yourself before you lose yourself."

5. Speak up about your opinions even if he disagrees.

It's common for us to try to avoid conflict by not sharing our opinions on things if someone disagrees, but that's not good for a relationship. Don't just adapt the other persons opinions be brave and share your own. If you think basketball is the most boring sport ever and it's your boyfriends favorite, be honest. You don't have to be mean about it, you can say "I know this is awful because it's your favorite sport, but honestly basketball is so boring." He can try to show you new information why it's cool and maybe you'll change your mind, but be honest first. Don't just hide your true feelings and then try to change them to fit his. 

6. Figure out what you need in order to be healthy and feel good, then make it non-negotiable.

Make a list of the 3-10 things you really love and need to do in life to feel like your are living a balanced , healthy and happy life. What makes you fell true to yourself? What relaxes you and keeps you going during a long week? What routines do you have that you enjoy or make life manageable ? 

As you add new routines and activities with the relationship do not lose these things. Some examples are exercising 3 times a week, catching your favorite TV show, eating healthy or eating vegan, spending time with close friends, meditating or praying daily.

Now keep doing those things in the relationship and don't blow them off for the other person. There are some exceptions, but if you often put these off to spend more time with your partner, that's a bad habit. You will lose yourself. 

7.Communicate.

Tell your partner your needs, Interests, opinions and all the things you figured out in the previous step. Don't be afraid to assert them. And don't assume they already know them. Be clear about what you need. For example if you love relaxing every night alone by watching a late movie, but your girlfriend often asks you to come over to hang out you need to say "no" and tell her why. Maybe not every time, but communicate with her that nighttime is your time to unwind and late movies every night won't cut it. Even if you want to go, you need to be honest with yourself about what's best for you and then share that with her. Don't forget the explaining why. Your significant other needs to know what your needs are and you need to practice speaking up about them.

8. Know your boundaries.

In some ways you complete them and they complete you like two puzzle pieces or corresponding shapes, that God himself did make, or however that Postal Service song goes. But in other ways you need to maintain your separateness. You need to know where they begin and you end. Those are your boundaries and even healthy relationships need boundaries. 

9. Don't idealize them.

When you put your partner on a pedestal it breeds obsession and over-dependence. You think their opinions, decisions and ideas are perfect or always better than yours. No! Be realistic about who they are and what they bring and don't bring to the relationship. They are not here to supply all your needs and you can't supply all theirs. Having only them in your life is not enough. Allow yourself to be honest about their shortcomings and strengths and love them for both without relying on them as your only source.

10. Know the science behind this phenomena.

Apparently falling in love really does blind us. Dr. Louann Brizendine, a neuropsychiatrist says that the part of the brain responsible for critical thinking shuts off when we fall in love. Specifically in the female brain she said, women tend to see the world through their mates eyes. Also culturally women may be trained to avoid conflict and be more agreeable which may cause them to go along with what their partner says. Knowing that sometimes our brains aren't helping us make the decisions of what to believe, when we are in love, can help remind us to be mindful of maintaining our own thoughts and ideas. Even when they conflict with our partner's.

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So have you ever lost yourself in a relationship ? What do you do to maintain your sense of self while caring deeply for others?

Leave your story in the comments

And

Here are the links if you want to read the articles yourself:

1.

One girl's story

http://madamenoire.com/262537/lose-yourself-how-i-realized-i-was-losing-my-identity-in-relationships-to-avoid-dealing-with-my-problems/

2. In depth tips from a Life Coach 

http://www.carolchanel.com/newsletter/lost_in_relationships.htm

3. 8 short but sweet tips

http://love.allwomenstalk.com/ways-to-not-lose-yourself-in-a-relationship

4. Oprah on the science of losing ourselves in love as well as the darker side.

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-Not-to-Lose-Yourself-in-Relationships-What-You-Need-to-Know

5. Simple story on one girls overcoming the losing yourself syndrome

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-love-without-losing-yourself/