Becoming Coco

Warning this is a raw unedited Journal Entry. It shows my mind at a point of darkness when I wrote to release the pain and hopefully find some hope. I don't feel this way everyday, but these are the thoughts I have sometimes as a person who struggles with clinical depression and ADHD. This is my mind's journey on a dark day.  What are you supposed to do when you too terrified to go after your biggest dreams in life? The answers most self-help gurus or well meaning friends and mentors give are obvious and I've heard them all before, but they don't actually solve my problem. I am terrified to go after what I really want in life so I self-sabotage every step of the way. All I've ever wanted to do was be an actress. I remember being 10 years old and begging my parents to take me to an audition with an acting agency that was passing out fliers at the mall. They said my brother and I were photogenic and even at age 10 I knew they were lying, at least about me.  I was born...

I dreamt forever about having my own house. When I first got married nearly 9 years ago I assumed we'd save up for and buy a house in 5 years or so. That seemed like a good long time and I thought we'd get a really cute little house with character right in the middle of downtown La Mesa, in sunny San Diego county where we both grew up. The houses at the time were pricey, but within reach for a couple who saved for a few years and had two decent paying jobs, which we both were on the way to having. But as time went on we seemed to never have a time where we both had two decent paying jobs. One of us would get a good 30-40k a year job and then the other would be in a lower paying job, or be unemployed. One time I got my dream job and then my husband's company let him go and shut down. Then my dream job turned out to be a nightmare in disguise and my husband got passed over for a promotion for a job that was literally what he was already doing and assured that he was going to ...