Becoming Coco

Warning this is a raw unedited Journal Entry. It shows my mind at a point of darkness when I wrote to release the pain and hopefully find some hope. I don't feel this way everyday, but these are the thoughts I have sometimes as a person who struggles with clinical depression and ADHD. This is my mind's journey on a dark day.  What are you supposed to do when you too terrified to go after your biggest dreams in life? The answers most self-help gurus or well meaning friends and mentors give are obvious and I've heard them all before, but they don't actually solve my problem. I am terrified to go after what I really want in life so I self-sabotage every step of the way. All I've ever wanted to do was be an actress. I remember being 10 years old and begging my parents to take me to an audition with an acting agency that was passing out fliers at the mall. They said my brother and I were photogenic and even at age 10 I knew they were lying, at least about me.  I was born...

I am learning that everything we think and feel we create in our lives. Growing up it was easy to blame my feelings and behavior on the circumstances around me because I had a difficult childhood and lots of drama at home. But all that blame did was prevent me from learning what I needed from the situation to become resilient. The truth is it’s my own thinking and attitude that determine how I feel.  I always thought when I become an adult I will make better choices, make my dreams come true and be happy. But really when I became an adult I was the same person with the same limitations. It took me a while to recognize the pattern. Eventually, I realized that no matter where I lived, no matter what job I had, which friends I had, whether I was single or in a relationship, had money or no money, I basically had the same inner thoughts, feelings and problems. There always seemed to be a person, place or situation to blame or an excuse to make. There also was always a set of c...

Three years ago at my first Biola Missions conference I poured out my heart to God and told him " Lord , here I am, I will go anywhere and do anything for you, but I don't know where it is you want me to go." I remember feeling so anxious and overwhelmed with the angst one feels when they are waiting for something they desire above all; their calling. I wondered why God wouldn't just tell me and I as frustrated because I was ready and willing to move mountains. That was then. Now it is my fourth Missions Conference and I joyfully proclaim that I have found my calling. God is leading me to be a teacher and after I graduate I will leave to teach English in China. I still feel overwhelmed but now I am overwhelmed with joy because I could never have imagined God's calling to be so perfect and wonderful. Like many Christians I imagined God would send me somewhere unbearably difficult and un-fun. If I surrendered he would send me to some 3rd world country where I'd ...