Becoming Coco

A letter to the dear one’s who suffer from depression or seemingly unmanageable anger, pain and loneliness. I see you. There is hope. For anyone who has or does or knows someone who has or does suffer from Depression or other mental health disorders I wrote this for you with love. My dear friend, I know how it feels to be angry all the time and you don’t exactly know why. Maybe it’s because the people around you are annoying and hurtful and bringing you down. But deep down you know that’s not the main reason. I know how it feels to feel empty, hollow and sad. To want to be with people, but the second you are with people you just feel annoyed by them. To feel so alone because even though you want to be happy and have friends, you ultimately don’t know how to access the feelings required to be happy and be friendly. I have been there and many times I am there. Trying to love and be loved, but the smallest actions of others sets me off and makes me angry or hurt or annoye...

Just finished watching the Fyre festival documentary on Netflix .  I think this should be a required film to view for humans because it reminds us of the danger that comes when we get caught up in the seemingly perfect lives of those we see on social media. Briefly the story goes that one man, Billy McFarland, was able to sell a team of people on his visionary dream  of holding a music festival that would allow influencers and anyone who could afford the high ticket cost to live a dream weekend in luxury on a private island in the Bahamas.  The main way they sold everyone on this idea was not with facts or actual evidence of having this island (turns out they didn’t), but by showing them pictures on social media of models on jet skis and having influencers repost an orange box which symbolized their attendance to this elite event shrouded in mystery.  The event was cancelled after everyone arrived to a total disaster. Nothing they were promise...

I am learning that everything we think and feel we create in our lives. Growing up it was easy to blame my feelings and behavior on the circumstances around me because I had a difficult childhood and lots of drama at home. But all that blame did was prevent me from learning what I needed from the situation to become resilient. The truth is it’s my own thinking and attitude that determine how I feel.  I always thought when I become an adult I will make better choices, make my dreams come true and be happy. But really when I became an adult I was the same person with the same limitations. It took me a while to recognize the pattern. Eventually, I realized that no matter where I lived, no matter what job I had, which friends I had, whether I was single or in a relationship, had money or no money, I basically had the same inner thoughts, feelings and problems. There always seemed to be a person, place or situation to blame or an excuse to make. There also was always a set of c...

How do you stay positive when you feel so totally the opposite? This is the age-old question. I’ve found the totally unsexy truth is - discipline. Literally, you have to decide to speak, think and act the opposite of how you feel until it becomes your new truth. It sounds simple, but it can feel like the hardest thing in the world to do. That’s why so many of us lack discipline. Discipline means doing the things you don’t feel like doing at the moment you don’t feel like it. It’s easy to go for a run, do your chores or think something happy in a moment of high energy, but many other times we don’t want to do anything and that’s when you need discipline. We usually have more discipline for things that bring immediate consequences. For example, being late for work tends to have a more immediate consequence than thinking something negative about yourself for the 1000th time. That’s why using your willpower to think positively and choose a better perspective is one of the hard...

Part 2 Disclaimer: This won’t make as much sense if you don’t read part 1. So please read the previous post first : Part 1 I do not see a light at the end. I do not see a reason for hope. I do not feel there is any logical reason to expect anything different from a life that has already brought so much pain, to suddenly shift and turn toward happiness and peace.  But I am choosing that hope anyway. I feel almost mad at myself for doing so. I can hear a voice say “you are betraying us!” “We have been with you from the beginning and you know nothing ever goes right. You know we are angry and tired and depressed and weak and scared and we can’t survive this!.” “How dare you try to have hope, you foolish mortal.”  Part of me just isn’t ready for this hope. I’m actually quite fine staying at this level of the rope and complaining and crying about my situation. It feels almost safer to stop here and just be afraid. Yell, scream and fight for my right to be afrai...