Becoming Coco

A letter to the dear one’s who suffer from depression or seemingly unmanageable anger, pain and loneliness. I see you. There is hope. For anyone who has or does or knows someone who has or does suffer from Depression or other mental health disorders I wrote this for you with love. My dear friend, I know how it feels to be angry all the time and you don’t exactly know why. Maybe it’s because the people around you are annoying and hurtful and bringing you down. But deep down you know that’s not the main reason. I know how it feels to feel empty, hollow and sad. To want to be with people, but the second you are with people you just feel annoyed by them. To feel so alone because even though you want to be happy and have friends, you ultimately don’t know how to access the feelings required to be happy and be friendly. I have been there and many times I am there. Trying to love and be loved, but the smallest actions of others sets me off and makes me angry or hurt or annoye...

Part 2 Disclaimer: This won’t make as much sense if you don’t read part 1. So please read the previous post first : Part 1 I do not see a light at the end. I do not see a reason for hope. I do not feel there is any logical reason to expect anything different from a life that has already brought so much pain, to suddenly shift and turn toward happiness and peace.  But I am choosing that hope anyway. I feel almost mad at myself for doing so. I can hear a voice say “you are betraying us!” “We have been with you from the beginning and you know nothing ever goes right. You know we are angry and tired and depressed and weak and scared and we can’t survive this!.” “How dare you try to have hope, you foolish mortal.”  Part of me just isn’t ready for this hope. I’m actually quite fine staying at this level of the rope and complaining and crying about my situation. It feels almost safer to stop here and just be afraid. Yell, scream and fight for my right to be afrai...

Today I woke up and felt so lost and overwhelmed by everything I had to face today. This is the journal entry I wrote. It’s my own personal journal so I am not going to edit it for grammar or mistakes. I don’t know if it will make sense to anyone, but if even one person relates and feels understood because of this then that will be enough.  My suggestion - Read part 1 and take a minute to reflect and respond. Then read part 2 where I find hope. And please let me know if you relate or appreciate this in anyway because it means a lot to me and everyone else to know we are not alone.   Journal: 10/16/18 What do you do when you feel all Hope is lost? When you feel like you gave it your best effort, then threw on your last ditch effort, and pushed a little more after that. Your body is literally and metaphorically bent and bruised. You feel like you can’t push one more step. And you question whether there truly is any force for good in this world because if there ...