A Journal Entry: Part 2 - Hope at the end of my rope.

Part 2

Disclaimer: This won’t make as much sense if you don’t read part 1. So please read the previous post first : Part 1

I do not see a light at the end. I do not see a reason for hope. I do not feel there is any logical reason to expect anything different from a life that has already brought so much pain, to suddenly shift and turn toward happiness and peace. 

But I am choosing that hope anyway. I feel almost mad at myself for doing so. I can hear a voice say “you are betraying us!” “We have been with you from the beginning and you know nothing ever goes right. You know we are angry and tired and depressed and weak and scared and we can’t survive this!.” “How dare you try to have hope, you foolish mortal.” 

Part of me just isn’t ready for this hope. I’m actually quite fine staying at this level of the rope and complaining and crying about my situation. It feels almost safer to stop here and just be afraid. Yell, scream and fight for my right to be afraid and angry and indignant. Because I don’t see how I got myself in this mess, why would I choose such struggle and pain? 

If I didn’t choose it, someone else did so let’s just stay here angry at this unknown chooser. Angry and fighting, yelling and causing a scene, until that responsible party shows its face. 

No one shows.

Even as hours and days go by no one shows to take the blame, but finally one does come with a new suggestion.

A new voice comes.

The voice says “are you ready to stop staring at the hopeless situation in front of you and see what I have before you?”

What do you mean what you have before me? Who are you? 

“I am the light that will take you out of this present darkness”

Ok light, please “enlighten me” I say sarcastically. For I do not truly believe, nor do I want to accept that there actually is a solution. This darkness, as painful as it is , is all I know. The deep seated beliefs, the voices I’m so used to, have long decided that the “light,” this “goodness” I thought I was climbing to, must not really exist.

But the voice persists. “Keep climbing, you are sustained. I have you. You are supported. You can go down if you like, but I promise you what awaits you at the top is far greater than you ever imagined.”

I’m very tempted by this other offer though to go down. “Down you say? What if I did go down, what’s there?” I’m thinking sure up is great and all, but if down is just slightly less great maybe I should consider that option too. 

“Death” the voice says.

Oh crap. “We do already feel like death anyway” the old voice chimes in again. For a moment it had gone, almost scared away by the new voice, but now it’s back. 

“Welcome back my old friend. You know actually you’re a shitty friend. All you ever do is tell me negative things that just add to my pain. You try to make me think that you are being realistic and logical, that you are the only one showing me my reality, but you just keep bringing me down further. I think I probably dropped a few inches of rope just listening to you the last few minutes.” 

Woah, where did that come from? Never before have I questioned the validity and value of the seemingly truthful things my old inner voice would say. This inner voice has always appeared to me before as a voice of reason. Now I’m suddenly thinking it was my biggest problem of all.

“Be gone you inner critic, you inner gremlin, you demon!”

Never called the voice those names before, but I think it’s fits.

“Hey new voice are you still there? I’m sorry inner critic was being obnoxious, can you come back and tell me what it was you were saying about down the rope being death?”

The new voice speaks : “Down will be easy, and you may even like it for a while, but I promise you it only leads to death. Death of dreams, death of hope, death of who you are and who you could be. Up though, up is harder. It is less seen and sadly less taken, but it leads to life. Abundance, peace, dreams come to pass and vision made reality. I promise you will like up better in the end and I will be with you sustaining you and helping you. “

I’m beginning to feel something different now, something a lot less like fear and pain and closer to, dare I say “hope?” I tell the voice : “New voice I like you better, why did you wait so long to come out?” 

His response surprises me: 

 “Oh I am not new, I’ve been here the whole time, I just didn’t talk as loudly as the other guy. Besides it was easier for you to hear what matched what you saw. He told you what you saw and added gloom to it , I tell you what you don’t see and help you achieve it.”

This reply almost makes me mad, but ultimately sad about wasted time. “Wait you’ve been here the whole time and I just didn’t hear you? Dang that really sucks. I wonder how many times you could have given me better advice. That other voice is a critic, but you are more like wisdom.” 

When I think of critics they always seem to be the loudest people in the room, filled with such anger over what they dislike. But one who is wise is often silent so I guess what this new voice is saying about me not hearing over the other voice makes sense. 

“So inner wisdom, can I call you inner wisdom? Why can I hear you now?” 

Inner wisdom replies: “Because you are finally ready to. You reached what you thought was the end of your rope and lost hope. Then you chose hope anyway. That’s when I was set free and able to speak loud enough for you to hear.”

Choosing hope though I did not see it released this voice. Stepping toward something I dreamed of, but couldn’t yet see. That’s some otherworldly magic right there.

“I guess I made the right choice then. So tell me because I don’t see hope, how do I hold on to it?”

Always with an answer Inner Wisdom replies: 

“Trust. Have faith and trust that as you move forward you will survive and that as you survive you will thrive. At first it will be painful and you may still not see the vision of what you are headed toward, but eventually you will catch a glimpse. Eventually if you keep pressing forward you will reach it.”

I’m a little skeptical. 

“But how do I know I am not going to break? I mean there are limits to what I can do aren’t there?”

Inner wisdom: “Yes, alone you would eventually break, but you are no longer alone. I am here now and I will sustain you. You will see your hands reaching up and your feet taking the next step. It will feel like your body doing it, but it’s actually me doing it for you.”

What the what? “Inner wisdom, that makes no sense.” I say. 

“You only think sense of what you can see, but seeing is not the only sense there is. Believe and trust what I am saying to you. You will have many other helpers along the way. There will be people and loved ones who care about you. They will do and say what they can to sustain you. I draw them to you for extra support. There also will be those who oppose you and if you let me I will push them away. I am in you and you are of me. Therefore what you do with me, may feel alone, but you will find that now that you are finally listening to what I say you will be able to do much more than you thought you could.

You will be sustained through the difficult. You will have health through the sickness. You will have stability through the storm. You will think you can’t take another day and find that you can take 10. You will have momentum and you will keep moving. I got you. I believe in you. Believe in me . Believe in yourself.”

And so I do. I listen to this new voice of strength and I decide that even though I started this day feeling my Journey was at an end, that I can not accept what appears hopeless and final as the final word. If what I see  isn’t good, if it isn’t my best , then it isn’t the end, it’s only the test.

I was not meant to live and die without reaching the top. I was not meant to start this journey never to reach the end. I am brave, but I’m not a Boromir. I am smaller and more fearful like a hobbit. I’m more like Frodo or Sam and I will take this ring all the way to Mordor and back to the shire, and this movie will not end until I do! I’ll probably still face that inner critic who, now that I think of it, is a lot like Sméagol. But he will ultimately fall and the ring will be destroyed. I will return to the shire and live out my days. Then there will be at least 10 different endings and another 3 part series that could have fit into one film because that’s what we do in this Industry! 

Ok so maybe that last part doesn’t relate to my life that much. Then again maybe it does.

The point is I like this new inner wisdom guy. He seems to be able to envision an end for me when I can not.

I feel calmer now. I still don’t know exactly why I am in this mess I am in. I still feel that I am too smart and capable to be stuck here. But I think now that there is hope. I think now that maybe I can push through and do what needs to be done. I can keep climbing and going up toward the goal and I will have everything I need to persevere. I’m letting go of the need to see it to believe it. I’m taking on a vision of a future joy, peace and dream come true. I’m even going to start living in some of that peace now and try to find a little joy or happiness in this day. I know by faith that if I keep going I will reach the promise. I will reach my dream and the shire. 

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Thank you for reading. If you relate at all, have any questions or enjoyed it at all please let me know. It means a lot to me and everyone benefits when we realize we are not alone.