A Journal Entry: Part 1- Finding hope at the end of my rope.

Today I woke up and felt so lost and overwhelmed by everything I had to face today. This is the journal entry I wrote. It’s my own personal journal so I am not going to edit it for grammar or mistakes. I don’t know if it will make sense to anyone, but if even one person relates and feels understood because of this then that will be enough. 

My suggestion - Read part 1 and take a minute to reflect and respond. Then read part 2 where I find hope. And please let me know if you relate or appreciate this in anyway because it means a lot to me and everyone else to know we are not alone.

 Journal:

10/16/18

What do you do when you feel all Hope is lost? When you feel like you gave it your best effort, then threw on your last ditch effort, and pushed a little more after that. Your body is literally and metaphorically bent and bruised. You feel like you can’t push one more step. And you question whether there truly is any force for good in this world because if there was, and especially if it was this being we call God then where is he now? When you feel like you absolutely can’t take one more step it is written that He will take it for you, but where is he? Do you see him? Do you even feel him near? All we have left to go off of is faith. 

Faith that it will all work out for the good because it has to, it just has to because I can’t stand to take another step toward what feels like my inevitable demise. 

How did I get here? 

Why is someone as smart, as capable, as creative and kind as me stuck in this place where I feel I cannot take a moment to catch a breath let alone to put into words how terribly hopeless and alone I truly feel right now. 

I’m looking for a hero now to save me, some stroke of good luck, or even God himself because I now am at the point of ropes end. At least it looks like the end because I’ve been climbing for years and this time I just truly feel that if my mangled bloody hands try to grasp one step higher I will loose grip and fall to the unknown below. 

How did I even get here? Is there some purpose, some scheme , beyond my own, that has somehow been designed before time to take me to this moment, sustain me through,  and perhaps even help me come out stronger on the other side?  

Or am I here simply because of my own stupidity and fears and lack of considering myself worthy of a better life. Some hidden subconscious beliefs that we don’t realize we are acting on until the absolute pain of our situation has welled up enough that we can no longer carry this burden without splitting our bodies and souls in two. All the pain and strife, the stress and the self-hate now bubbling up and overflowing like a small lake around me feet. I have cracked. I have collapsed. And there is no where to go. 

No one truly understands the pain because they can’t see your cracks or the invisible load you carry. They can’t see your metaphorical seams bursting and about to explode. They don’t believe your calls for help because they fall into the same traps of western society to value the physical and seemingly “logical” ways of knowing rather than face the realities of the spiritual and the emotional. The things unseen that ultimately have more effect on the things seen then they care to admit. For to admit that these exist would be to open their eyes to the fact that they carry this burden too. And it’s too much for any of us to face alone.

Where can I lay this burden down? If I give it up to an unseen force, a force I can only believe, not see, will it/he/she really take it from me? Will God be able or willing to save me from this burden? What does that even look like? 

Somehow I feel it doesn’t involve taking the issues away. Like I am supposed to keep climbing this rope, but maybe the next grasp of the ropes cords will be met with a little less pain and tearing of flesh? Maybe I’ll find myself with gloves on and some sort of salve to heal my wounds? 

Will it be enough to sustain me until I reach the peak? Will I ever get out of this situation of endless hanging with no where to go, but up or down? Down is easier, yes, but it’s a kind of death. Up is harder, up feels like death, especially when I cannot see the top. It’s foggy up here and I question whether this rope ever ends. Maybe I’m just meant to keep climbing forever until one day I just die and then...will I reach my destination even then? The only thing I can do is believe. 

The only thing I can do now is trust.

( I suggest reflecting and responding to this part first. Then go on and read part 2. Part 2 is the conversation I had within that led to hope)