Becoming Coco

How can we save her mind, if you won't let her exist?  You know what really hurts? When the thing that gave you hope in the middle of your mental health mess—the dark, dreamy mirror you held up to your soul—gets shelved. Abandoned. Not because it wasn’t good. But because some corporate algorithm said, “Meh.” That’s what happened in April 2023 when EA officially said “no thanks” to Alice: Asylum —the third chapter in American McGee’s twisted, gorgeous retelling of Alice in Wonderland . McGee had poured his entire heart (and the hearts of 10,000+ fans on Patreon) into creating a Design Bible, full production plan, and pitch-perfect proposal. EA still said no. Not just “we won’t make it,” but also “you can’t either.” They declined to license the IP to him or anyone else. So basically, they locked the door to Wonderland and swallowed the key. American McGee was crushed. He said he was “emotionally quite destroyed,” and then—he retired. Just like that. The Mad Hatter packed up and left ...

  This is a poem I wrote today because I needed a suitcase for a trip and there was my moms suitcase, I opened it thinking no big deal I'll just move the stuff out and pack in my own, but immediately broke down. For months I have been finding things that I haven't fully unpacked since our time in the hospital with my mom. It's just stuff, but it's unpacking more out of me than the items themselves.  Every now and again I find your things Something new to unpack The other day, a backpack,  laid dormant since the nights  I sat by your hospital bed Medicine from the cold I had  made my heart run cold to remember.   Your suitcase - straight off the plane. ✈️  You planned to stay. Within a week, You were gone from this plane.  Boots you never got to wear. Medicine that was supposed to make you well. Loose change you'll never spend, or throw into a jar to collect. Supplements that promised support  Can't save you now. A shirt I lent you,  but ...

Originally posted on Medium March 25th, 2025. Please see my Medium for more the most recent posts and to support my writing!  https://filmgirlphilosopher.medium.com/blue-butterfly-goes-home-c3a67f4ab42e   As I walked down the hospital corridor toward the palliative care unit, where my mom is coming to spend the remainder of her life in comfort, I heard a man on the phone. He was explaining, almost in disbelief, how his loved one had a tumor, and how they’d just found out. Then, the night after, they had to rush her to the ER… and she went downhill so fast. “It all just happened so fast,” he said with a quiet acceptance of someone who’s had to explain this to countless family members in the last 24 hours. In that moment, I felt a connection with him. The same thing is happening to us. Sometimes it just does happen that fast. My mom just found out she had cancer a month ago, she had emergency surgery and then had to wait 3 weeks for chemo in order to recover. We moved her from I...